Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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