Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
