I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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