Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
