I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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