So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
