Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My penis needs a shock collar
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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