Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
