If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
