hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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