Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
