sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
