im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
