she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
