I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
