My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We smell like vodka and hangover
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