Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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