Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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