my mouth tastes like poor choices
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
