no, he came in my armpit
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Houston, we have a blender
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
