I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
