I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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