filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
