I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
