this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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