matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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