Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
