My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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