i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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