my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
