I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
