I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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