I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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