Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
