i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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