i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
