meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
