Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
