I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
