WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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