The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
