Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
