I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
