Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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