Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have aggressive nipples.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
