I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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