I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
