He uses pillows to masturbate.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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