Texts From Last Night · Brittlivelife's Favorites

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Brittlivelife's Favorites Texts:

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.

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(801): View more from Utah

Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?

(309): View more from Illinois

No idea. And yes be here at 4

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(207): View more from Maine

I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(305): View more from Florida

I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.

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(940): View more from Texas

He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.

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(434): View more from Virginia

High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.

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(916): View more from California

I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

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(970): View more from Colorado

there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm always drunk lately

(647): View more from Ontario

Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears

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(954): View more from Florida

stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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(702): View more from Nevada

She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...

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(406): View more from Montana

I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me

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(305): View more from Florida

It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered

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(479): View more from Arkansas

the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"

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(845): View more from New York

im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

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(917): View more from New York City

KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

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(905): View more from Ontario

Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell

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(813): View more from Florida

I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.

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(352): View more from Florida

All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."

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(309): View more from Illinois

Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself

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(247): View more from

That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

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(801): View more from Utah

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(714): View more from California

sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!

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(850): View more from Florida

So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!

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(503): View more from Oregon

there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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(205): View more from Alabama

He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(785): View more from Kansas

He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away

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(407): View more from Florida

It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone

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(253): View more from Washington

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH

(360): View more from Washington

Yes

(253): View more from Washington

O.K.

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(206): View more from Washington

Peanut butter balls.

(1-206): View more from Washington

IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD

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(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(925): View more from California

They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(909): View more from California

he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(909): View more from California

is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?

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(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(256): View more from Alabama

he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(804): View more from Virginia

dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(951): View more from California

I didn't know people actually cried after sex.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(949): View more from California

this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

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(615): View more from Tennessee

of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits

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(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.

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(817): View more from Texas

You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(360): View more from Washington

Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.

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(88): View more from

As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(207): View more from Maine

Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(512): View more from Texas

I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.

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(914): View more from New York

Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

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(330): View more from Ohio

OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.

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(+01): View more from

I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom

(1+01): View more from

your the Dr. Phil in my life

(+01): View more from

Today is an unchanging day

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(914): View more from New York

I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

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(714): View more from California

She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.

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(516): View more from New York

I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight

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(936): View more from Texas

I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.

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(530): View more from California

At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

In some strange universe, yes

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