Texts From Last Night · Fuckyou77's Favorites

Sorry akbitch86 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Fuckyou77's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.

Fav 4 1353 571
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back

Fav 2 984 672
share tweet

(214): View more from Texas

You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night

Fav 4 1167 640
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.

Fav 3 808 499
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"

Fav 4 1461 621
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

Fav 21 1598 4687
share tweet

(317): View more from Indiana

I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds

Fav 5 829 531
share tweet

(425): View more from Washington

Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser

Fav 7 1317 815
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.

Fav 3 1366 948
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.

Fav 4 887 811
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

Fav 5 1796 763
share tweet

(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

Fav 9 2539 701
share tweet

(573): View more from Missouri

I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.

Fav 1 917 619
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness

Fav 3 2146 955
share tweet

(336): View more from North Carolina

Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.

Fav 2 1017 544
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!

Fav 6 581 1139
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.

Fav 3 627 1083
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.

Fav 9 1159 671
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

Fav 12 4348 1198
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.

Fav 2 1593 708
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

Fav 16 6781 1403
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore

Fav 2 1177 988
share tweet
(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

Fav 17 2859 987
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.

Fav 3 1225 654
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."

Fav 4 2091 694
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

(1-253): View more from Washington

Wow, he seems so solid

Fav 7 1848 766
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.

Fav 2 845 513
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp

Fav 3 1016 544
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

Fav 3 1484 665
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.

Fav 2 1020 530
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

Fav 12 2320 1893
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

Fav 20 7262 1219
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

Fav 24 1386 894
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

Fav 7 2857 818
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.

Fav 2 825 726
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

Fav 7 2269 777
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

Fav 1 2157 1087
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"

Fav 6 1234 2550
share tweet
(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

Fav 22 3799 1344
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

Fav 4 1829 855
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running

Fav 7 750 1679
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

Fav 2 1774 714
share tweet
(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

Fav 5 2604 853
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all

Fav 5 1471 702
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.

Fav 4 757 1156
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby

Fav 13 1086 2500
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7281
share tweet
(951): View more from California

We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.

Fav 13 2190 963
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

Fav 15 4784 1252
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

Fav 6 2381 811
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

Fav 18 5750 1666
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?

(1-561): View more from Florida

Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.

Fav 2 951 533
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

Fav 21 7509 1216
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

Fav 5 2900 1015
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

Fav 10 4283 1555
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy

Fav 5 2752 858
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

Fav 5 4236 1197
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats

Fav 0 563 801
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

Fav 6 3828 885
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.

Fav 3 624 1430
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

Fav 91 4662 16954
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

Fav 128 1716 35787
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

Fav 80 3110 36766
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7728 42053
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88708 9682
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5791 1559
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

Fav 10 4472 1459
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

Fav 12 2983 1176
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?

Fav 10 2160 1233
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing

Fav 2 967 642
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

Fav 14 2958 888
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

Fav 22 4831 1463
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

Fav 8 2110 714
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look

Fav 4 1110 764
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

Fav 7 2401 776
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

Fav 15 3302 841
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

Fav 6 3761 1389
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

Fav 5 5377 2333
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.

Fav 11 868 1432
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER

Fav 8 1204 798
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

Fav 10 6093 1413
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

Fav 2 1663 708
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

Fav 16 4554 1507
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

Fav 9 2682 968
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane

Fav 7 2319 1227
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.

Fav 9 2009 2805
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

Fav 8 3905 1221
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

Fav 16 3581 1309
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

Fav 15 8717 1478
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

Fav 4 1303 979
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10364 2495
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

Fav 32 11619 1720
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.

Fav 4 1257 838
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

Fav 6 892 1711
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...

Fav 9 1608 674
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

Fav 19 2968 784
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

Fav 4 1621 664
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5755 1340
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING

Fav 5 1336 775
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14088 1678
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave

Fav 1 1141 692
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

Fav 15 1474 1763
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

Fav 16 3387 829
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face

(763): View more from Minnesota

How can a condom be "half used"?

Fav 13 1715 950
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

Fav 7 2007 762
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set

Fav 6 915 2087
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

Fav 14 5319 1126
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"

Fav 6 1186 662
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

Fav 7 2862 797
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

Fav 9 1954 792
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

Fav 6 2440 825
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.

Fav 10 1692 897
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"

Fav 2 1410 734
share tweet
(619): View more from California

For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

Fav 14 2205 821
share tweet
(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

Fav 14 4448 1315
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

Fav 10 2882 911
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

Fav 8 1109 3946
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

Fav 12 5907 1414
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

Fav 11 4392 1228
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

Fav 6 2869 1287
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

Fav 7 2494 987
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

Fav 2 5185 1335
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

Fav 12 9610 1600
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!

Fav 4 1629 688
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.

Fav 4 1295 838
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

Fav 8 3868 1101
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

Fav 12 6610 1219
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

Fav 14 1989 4787
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.

Fav 4 1974 876
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

Fav 18 5343 1725
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.

Fav 8 2211 885
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

Fav 25 5402 4083
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.

Fav 9 2420 910
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.

(203): View more from Connecticut

You're perfect

Fav 17 1273 979
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.

Fav 2 771 1166
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

Fav 11 1014 2096
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire

Fav 7 802 1368
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

Fav 17 8417 2372
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

Fav 14 1581 3300
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea

Fav 10 1039 3345
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?

Fav 5 1022 643
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

Fav 10 2013 788
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

Fav 20 2734 850
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

Fav 10 2283 1011
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So did he inherit the massive family cock?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

:(

Fav 9 882 2532
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

Fav 5 3076 1034
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

Fav 9 2908 893
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??

Fav 18 2134 707
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

Fav 27 3888 1105
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

Fav 7 4665 1084
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will

Fav 3 1041 1048
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

Fav 4 795 1366
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

Fav 15 5497 1622
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

Fav 10 1483 3948
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

Fav 5 6809 1274
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

Fav 2 3759 1013
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

Fav 49 6927 3283
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

Fav 18 3451 1566
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.

Fav 26 1622 5050
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls

Fav 4 2839 1002
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY

Fav 6 1377 694
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

Fav 6 2649 1031
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick

Fav 22 5924 1404
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

Fav 29 2520 1196
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

Fav 28 8041 2165
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.

Fav 5 680 1385
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

Fav 14 2694 995
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

Fav 23 3330 1595
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.

Fav 4 1631 1190
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

Fav 21 7092 2675
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13888 6048
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?

Fav 3 1263 665
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

What does puking wasabi feel like?

(1-602): View more from Arizona

Like snorting cocaine backwards.

Fav 5 905 1803
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

Fav 3 1499 772
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.

Fav 17 2897 4375
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..

Fav 6 1771 4660
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!

Fav 36 1565 2351
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.

Fav 1 1499 1336
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

Fav 43 15732 1824
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

Fav 11 3992 1478
share tweet